Stop Searching For Your Soul Mate

I feel a great need to start this particular entry with a disclaimer. I have never been in a serious relationship, and would, by many accounts, not qualify whatsoever to speak on this subject (at least not with any credibility). So I would ask that as you read this, please don’t hear me saying, “I did it this way, and so this is the right way.” Instead, I hope this will simply offer perspective on the matter—the perspective of a single, 24-year-old Christian male. I realize my experience is limited, but I think everyone can have wisdom, and wisdom comes in different ways, through different circumstances. Sorry it was a bit wordy, but THIS HAS BEEN MY DISCLAIMER.

The other day, I finally broke down and took Netflix’s advice. It had been suggesting for the better part of the last three months that I watch a movie called “What Dreams May Come.” It had Robin Williams & Cuba Gooding Jr., and I had read that it was about a man’s experience in heaven. So I gave in. Curiosity got the best of me.

I’ll go ahead and say that I had a lot of problems with the movie for a lot of reasons. It wasn’t a terrible movie by any means, but if it intended at all to paint a true picture of the afterlife, it failed miserably. At least according to the bible. But that’s not the topic of this entry (I’m sure I’ll talk heaven in a later entry). The problem I want to address at this point is the problem of “soul mates.” Yes, I said problem. In the movie, Robin Williams’ character dies before his wife (and shortly after their children), and winds up in heaven. But shortly after he gets there, he’s told that his wife took her own life, and as a result, wound up in hell. So upon hearing this news, Chris (Robin Williams) decides he is going into hell to bring her up to heaven (You may have noticed a couple of those other problems I mentioned having with this movie). Other characters warn Chris that he won’t be able to, until they find out that he and his wife have the rare connection of soul mates. Because of this unusually strong connection, Chris is able to do what was thought to be impossible—bring a soul to heaven from the depths of hell.

“What Dreams May Come” is hardly the first movie to present the idea that two people are simply made for each other—otherwise known as soul mates. It’s a romanticized idea as old as story-telling itself. Most of us have something inside of us that longs for completion. And somewhere along the way, we got the idea that such fulfillment could be found in another human being.

It really does seem so ironic to me that the world is moving more and more towards Godlessness, and yet we still believe in the idea that two specific people are naturally intended to end up together. People refuse to believe that an intelligent Creator spoke the earth into existence, and yet they desperately cling to the notion that a random, inanimate Universe had a plan from the dawn of time for them to find one particular life partner. But atheist and unreligious folks aren’t the only ones subscribing to this belief. Christians do it all the time. It just sounds a little different. They might say something like, “the person God intended for me to marry.” It’s just as dangerous.

You see, when we allow ourselves to believe that only one person in the whole world fits us compatibly, we eliminate all other options. We put an insane amount of pressure; not only on ourselves—to find “the one”—but also on the people we date. We have some sort of list that they have to live up to or they just aren’t right.

The reality is that if we all did this, no one would ever find a good fit. One person or the other would fall short of expectations, and then—whether it’s early in the relationship, or sometime after marriage—someone decides they’re excused to end it, and go find their soul mate. Because they obviously missed on the first swing. This, in my opinion, is the attitude at the heart of the problem of divorce in our world today. If you married “the wrong one,” then you have the right to leave and find “the right one.” It’s incredibly self-centered.

And let’s be honest. We ourselves are not perfect. If you look at the person you’re with and decide they don’t meet your standards for that elite soul mate status, you might want to look in the mirror. Because truthfully, you probably don’t live up to a lot of other people’s standards either.

I say all of this to make two points.

1)   We cannot find ultimate fulfillment in another person. That completeness we seek in a soul mate isn’t an illusion. We’re just looking in the wrong places. The only One who can take us in all our brokenness and put us back together, make us feel worthy, and give us the purpose we long for, is God. Jesus isn’t just our example, He is our Answer. He is the personification of God’s love and grace for us. If we accept Him, we find ourselves eternally accepted.

 

2)   Quit setting an unrealistic standard for the person you want to marry. Marriage isn’t about our happiness, but rather our holiness. It’s a means for God to shape us into the person He wants us to be. That means struggle. That means sacrifice. If we had a “soul mate” and everything was easy, we’d never grow in marriage. I’m not saying that you should lower your standards, but I might be telling you to reset your standards. Understand what kind of person God would want you to attach yourself to in marriage, and then understand that you’re not perfect, and neither is anyone you date. A close friend of mine once put it this way: Does she (or for you ladies, he) love Jesus? Check. Are attracted to her/him? Check. Do you enjoy your time together? Check. Then play. I loved that he used that term. “Play.” We often forget that within the boundaries God has set for us, He intends for us to enjoy Him and His gifts to the fullest. He has a plan for our lives, but He also gave us the freedom to make choices. And no matter the decision, there is almost always more than one path you could choose that would be in line with His will for your life. God so often gives us choices.

So stop searching for your soul mate. Turn your eyes heavenward, pursue God, and when He puts someone in your life that you think you could spend the rest of your life with, play.